Are Men From Mars?

Although many of you may not be a big fan of the 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' philosophy, John Gray's ideas at least form a starting block for understanding each other better. Read on for a (very) small look at the different 'love needs' of men and women.

What women need...
1. Caring
2. Understanding
3. Respect
4. Devotion
5. Validation
6. Reassurance

What men need...
1. Trust
2. Acceptance
3. Appreciation
4. Admiration
5. Approval
6. Encouragement

The two sets are also listed to correspond with one another. So where women need care, men need trust. Where women need understanding, men need acceptance and so on.

I'm guessing that you're all a little confused about why I've chosen to natter on about this today? Well I thought that it might give you a little insight into how men and women work and how you can use that to improve your relationship and communication. To give you a little idea I'll explain a bit more about the 6 pairs of needs, all of which work in a cyclical way where a man caring for a woman increases her trust for him and this trust for him increases his care for her.


Caring - Trust
Women feel cared for when men ask after a woman's feelings and show concern for her well-being. A man feels trusted when the woman shows him that she understands that he's doing everything with her best interests in mind.

Female mistake: trying to improve him or offering unsolicited advice.
Male mistake: not listening to her or getting distracted.


Understanding - Acceptance
Women feel understood when their opinions and feelings are listened to and a man makes an effort to make sure that he understands them. Men feel accepted when a woman doesn't try to change him.

Female mistake: trying to change him by expressing negative feelings.
Male mistake: taking her feelings literally and offering solutions to her problems.


Respect - Appreciation
Women feel respected when a man prioritises her rights, wishes, needs, thoughts and feelings. When a woman acknowledges that she has gained from a man's actions, he will feel appreciated.

Female mistake: not acknowledging things he has done and complaining about things he hasn't done.
Male mistake: listening to her feelings but then blaming her for bringing you down.


Devotion - Admiration
Women feel a man's devotion when he commits himself to supporting and fulfilling her and prioritises her needs and feelings above all other aspects of his life. A man feels admired when a woman is amazed by his characteristics or talents.

Female mistake: correcting his behaviour as if he were a child.
Male mistake: not prioritising her above everything else.


Validation - Approval
A woman feels validated when a man accepts her feelings and does not argue with them. A man sees a woman's approval when she acknowledges the goodness of him and his reasons.

Female mistake: expressing her upset feelings indirectly with rhetorical questions like 'How could you do that?'
Male mistake: when she is upset, telling her why she is wrong and shouldn't be upset.


Reassurance - Encouragement
When a man repeatedly shows his care, understanding, respect, devotion and validation to a woman, she feels reassured that she is loved. A man feels encouraged by her trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration and approval to be the best that he can be.

Female mistake: correcting or criticising his decisions or initiatives.
Male mistake: after listening, saying nothing or walking away.


Like always, I hope this post has been useful to you and at least provides a starting point for you to think about your communication with your partner and how different your needs are. The ideas aren't mine but come from 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' by John Gray. If you want to have a closer look at some of his ideas then I'd recommend it and you can find it on Amazon here. Good luck!

Love from lila xx

Summer Reads

If your girlfriend's planning a holiday this summer, with or without you, why not send her off with a new book and a cute bookmark? Read on...

I'll start with the bookmarks that I made for you to download and then I'll give you a few suggestions of good books that she might enjoy.

I'd suggest printing the bookmarks onto a thick card so that they will last a long time. If you think that you'll have trouble printing onto thick card then you could print onto thin card, cut it out and then stick onto a slightly larger piece of thick coloured card. Whichever you choose the cut out line is the outside one with rounded edges. The box around the rounded edges is just so that you leave enough space should you print more than one. If you have access to a laminator then it would be even better if you could laminate the bookmarks so that they last even longer!

If you wanted to make it extra pretty you could punch a whole in the top and tie a thin piece of ribbon through it. To make this knot get a small piece of string/ribbon/twine and feed it through the hole. Bring the strands together so that the punched hole is at the middle point of the ribbon. Now loop the strands around a finger or two to make a circle and feed the ribbon through the centre of the hole. Following the instructions should leave you with something that looks like the picture below. If you wanted to add a little bow then punch two holes and tie a standard bow in the middle.

Now as promised is a list of good books that your girlfriend might enjoy reading while relaxed on the beach! All of them are ones that I've read, some are romance, some are comedy and some are thrillers. The author's name is in brackets. I've linked each book to its listing on Amazon so that it's nice and easy to find!

• Poppadom Preach (Almas Khan) - a funny but dark book about life in a dysfunctional family in Bradford. There's some bad language in places but that doesn't make you think any less of the book because it's just hilarious!
• Private (James Patterson) - this is the first in a series of books about a detective agency with some nice twists and turns along the way. 
• How To Kill Your Husband (Kathy Lette) - an entertaining book about one woman getting accused of murdering her husband. The twist at the end is brilliant!
• Perfect Timing (Jill Mansell) - a woman meets a guy whilst out on her hen night, calls off her wedding and moves away to London.
• Why Do We Have To Live With Men? (Bernadette Strachan) - after a failed romance the main character moves into a huge farmhouse in the countryside with a group of women for a 6 month break from men.
• Mad About The Boy (Maggie Alderson) - after moving to Australia with her son and husband, her husband comes out and moves in with his boyfriend. She then meets James at the gym and is intrigued by his mysterious activities.
• Playing James (Sarah Mason) - a reporter is sent to shadow a detective in order to write a column. The detective however is not too excited about the prospect!
• Be Mine (Laura Kasischke) - a respected college professor receives a note on Valentines day saying 'Be Mine' and the book follows the chain of events that happen as a result of her response.
• I Take This Man (Valerie Frankel) - after attempting to run out on their wedding, the bride's mum knocks the groom out and imprisons him in the attic of their mansion.
• Sweet Temptation (Lucy Diamond) - after joining a weight loss group the main character meets two other like-minded women and the book follows their laughs and friendship.
• Alphabet Weekends (Elizabeth Noble) - a story about a woman, recently dumped by her boyfriend who makes a plan with her male best friend to try new things for each letter of the alphabet every weekend.

The following list are all Kindle books and are either free or relatively low priced (<£3). It might be nice if you surprised her by downloading them onto her Kindle without her knowing.

• The Fix-It-Man (Donald Wells) - a chick-lit story written by a man! It was entertaining, really cute and interesting to see things from a man's perspective.
• Kissed In Paris (Juliette Sobanet) - a woman finds herself in a Paris hotel room missing her suitcase, passport and travel documents a week before her wedding. With the police after her she teams up with a local to try and make it back home to America in time for her wedding.
• Pear Shaped (Stella Newman) - if your girlfriend likes baking then this book is brilliant. As an employee in the food industry her job is to come up with new recipes (every girl's dream job!), work with the factory to produce them and then taste test them. One night she meets a guy in a bar and thinks she's found Mr Right. At the end of the book is a mini recipe book containing recipes discussed in the book.
• White Lies and Custard Creams (Susan Alison) - a funny story about lodgers, long lost brothers, fortunes and thugs with some nice twists along the way.

I hope my really terrible descriptions (which really don't do the books justice) spark your interest and you find a book that you think your girlfriend will love. I promise that all of the books on this list are really brilliant, even if my descriptions aren't so give them a try! If you have any others that you'd like to suggest then drop me an email at lovefromlila@hotmail.com because I'd love to hear them!

Love from lila xx

Go and Tell Her

Simple instructions for you today...

If she's in the same house as you - get up, walk to her and tell her you love her.
If she's at work nearby - get up, walk to her and tell her you love her.
If she's far away - get up, find your phone, call her and tell her you love her (leave a message if you have to!).

Love from lila xx